Dear The Knee (“TK”);
It is with great regret that we inform you that your position as Left Knee for Cynthia Morgan, Human Organism has been made redundant. Beginning Monday, July 13, 2015, all left knee functionality will be managed by a Zimmer Biomet NextGen machine and so your services will no longer be required.
TK, the leadership at Cynthia Morgan wishes to sincerely thank you for your many years of service. We deeply regret the recent performance issues that forced us to seek mechanization and hope you understand that this was not a step we entered into lightly.
As you are well aware, bipedal locomotion is an important part of operations at Cynthia Morgan, and a critical function of our award-winning Leg Teams. It requires strong, reliable performances from the pivotal Left Knee and Right Knee positions at all times.
Yet despite repeated warnings, TK, your performance has steadily declined over the past five years. Increasingly, you have failed to provide the flexion and support necessary for Left Leg Team to step even short distances. As a result, Right Leg Team has been forced to take on a disproportionate share of the walking workload, at a significant opportunity cost to the organization.
We have tried to be understanding. We realize that we share some of the blame for this–an unfortunate scuba accident, an overenthusiastic arthroscopy, poorly chosen running surfaces and certain dietary overloads–that contributed to your flagging mobility.
However, we have also provided substantial compensation, including medical assistance, drugs, an assistive brace, fashionable cane, therapy sessions–at considerable cost, we might add–to no avail. Your performance has continued to deteriorate.
It has now reached the point that Right Knee can no longer compensate. His attorneys have informed us that, unless measures are taken to alleviate his workload soon, they may be forced to seek redress through litigation.
Accordingly, we have engaged the services of a competent surgical team to remove you from our premises. We are not without compassion; the surgical team has promised to make your removal as painless as possible. Please consider July 12 to be your last full day of employment, as the new knee will be in position by close of business on July 13.
As you did not sign an employment agreement when you joined the firm, we have taken the liberty of putting together a severance package for you, contracting with the placement firm Challenger Gray, & Christmas to help you find a new position.
CG&C tells us that employment opportunities for osteoarthritic former Left Knees are currently rather limited, so they have obtained a temporary position for you in a Biohazard capacity. They have promised to be in touch as soon as a spot in a retraining program opens up at the local community college.
Again, thanks for your many years of faithful service. If it helps, we suspect that your severance is gonna hurt us a helluva lot more than it hurts you.
Bon voyage, TK,
Your former colleagues at Cynthia Morgan, Human Organism
OK, so for those of you sending me private notes asking what the HECK am I talking about here (six so far)…on Monday I’m finally having total knee replacement surgery. Given the angst I feel about filling a cavity, getting up the nerve to say goodbye to a whole knee has been, well, interesting. Then it struck me that there’s sort of a parallel in the corporate world…