Note to all who call a spade an individualized excavatory device:

Stop it.

Of course, if they really stopped, I’d be on welfare. Finding the right words has paid the mortgage for many years.

Still, there are times I wish that people wouldn’t assume that originality and confusing the hell out of the customer are the same thing. I mention this because I encountered a perfect example just now in my hotel shower. I reached for the soap and was confronted with this:

Scrub.
Wash.
Soften.
Tame.
Cleanse.

This is what happens when a creative pushes the envelope so far he pops clear through and lands in a heap on the floor. I can just see three guys in black turtlenecks sitting around a granite and steel conference table:

“I know! Instead of using tired old words like “shampoo” and “conditioner” on these hotel packages, let’s be INNOVATIVE and ORIGINAL…”

As a result, I’m asking a not very innovative or original question: What the heck am I supposed to put on my washcloth? The Scrub? The Wash? Should I play it safe and stick with the familiar shape of the Cleanse?

Thank heavens these guys don’t also supply this hotel with airsickness bags, feminine tampons and toilet paper. If they did, I’d be writing about the Barf, the Plug, and the Sh….never mind.