humor

"Your burglar alarm company just called; your house is on fire," Mom said on my mobile phone...just as my flight was boarding. Sigh. It's been a busy week, and it's only Monday. Been doing my usual 72 things at once: Houseful of guests (the incredible glass artist and lovely person Carol Carson, with her equally lovely sister and daughter). My sister's in town from DC, staying with my folks. My plane lands back in Glassland four hours before the party I'm throwing for Carol on Wednesday (y'all come!). I'm getting ready for a sculpture show this weekend. The antmind decided that BigBoy, my ginormous old Dell desktop, was a perfect place to raise the kids. You know, I think there's a god of adventure sitting in an office somewhere, and everytime he gets bored he types my name, hits the send button...and here we go again.

(And no, I don't mean you, Mr. Heath!) Bob-the-blowdryer died a fiery death on Wednesday. I laid him to rest (in the trash can) and... mourned. Slightly. Maybe I should explain. I name my inanimate (but usually mechanical) objects once they've hung around long enough to exhibit some quirks. That's why I drive Sherry-the-Camry, peer into the Web on Izzita-the-iPad, [...]

Did I ever mention why I love--that is, L-O-V-E, all caps--Glassland? For the uninitiated: Glassland = Portland, Oregon, USA. For its size, Portland has more glassmakers, glass artists, glass factories, glass sellers, glass collectors, glass sales, registered glass websites, glass businesses, and just plain old glass lovers, i.e., glassists, than just about anywhere. The only things Portland has more of than glass are nice [...]

"The recommended amount of air leakage for your home is 2,060 CFM50. The actual amount of air leakage tested to be 6093 CFM50. The results of this test show your home is 196% above the recommended level of air leakage. This classifies your home as Very Leaky and puts air leakage reduction as a high priority for energy savings and [...]

Stopped off at Home Depot to pick up a couple of things, waited patiently in line to pay for my purchases. And no, that's not the line I'm talking about. While I waited, I daydreamed about the new Sapphire Rose lead crystal billets* waiting on my doorstep (yum). That occupied me all the way up to the counter, where the credit card reader [...]

"Green thumb," she said admiringly, rolling down her window, "I do so envy you master gardeners!" My neighbor Rick choked on his coffee, trying not to laugh. Just as I'd leaned down to pluck a weed--I THINK it was a weed--this stranger drove up to compliment my gardening prowess. I could see where she'd get that impression: I was standing [...]

"You and about five million other people, Cynthia," said the lady on the phone, "Right now I'd like to get a call from someone who WASN'T having an ant problem." The Antmind, anticipating spring by a couple of months, has settled into my home. As houseguests, they leave a lot to be desired. Which is why there was a whip [...]

Members of my family invade countries, capture brutal dictators, face down suicide bombers, challenge the IRS, Christmas-shop the Beltway. Given what happened Saturday night, I suspect I'm adopted.